Wednesday Ramblings bumper edition - 50% more jokes! The second best HBO fight of the century
November 26, 2003
Jim Lampley: Welcome to another edition of HBO Boxing and what an extraordinary bout we have for you tonight. Freddie 'the Fearless' Kissoon against a mystery opponent. George, in all your years of boxing have you ever witnessed anything like this?
Foreman: No I haven't. No one has a clue who this fighter is and Kissoon must be a complete and utter lunatic to take this fight.
Merchant: Yes and No, George. I sum it up in one word. Vanity. He is willing to get pummelled by anyone just as long as he is centre stage. Go figure. His prolific career sees him fighting almost every week, taking on all comers from Abu Bakr, Clive Thomas, Ravi Dev, anyone from any weight division. It is in many ways something to be admired.
Lampley: But Larry you must admit that he is looking battered these days. How many more intellectual pummellings can one man take? How many more grovelling apologies will libel lawyers force him to write for his low blows? Well, as we speak he is coming out of the changing rooms to a mixed reception from the Mandalay Bay crowd, packed in tonight if only out of curiosity for who this mystery fighter might be.
Foreman: The referee has to do something about Kissoon's trunks. He has them so high if he gets hit below the belt the other chap could still break his ribs.
Merchant: My sentiments exactly George. He looks more like Steve Erkel than a seasoned prize fighter. His trunks are almost to his chin!
Lampley: Well the time has come to see who his mystery opponent will be. What a publicity stunt this has been for promoter Tacuma Ogunseye. It certainly beats selling cassava in Kitty market. Here comes the boxer...Heavily hooded... we can't see his face...he's making his way through the crowd.. and climbing into the ring. Hold on, I see what looks like a dashiki...
Foreman: Uh oh look out! It's Tricky Tacuma himself!
Merchant: I think the Nevada Boxing Commission will have to look into this. Ogunseye can't promote and be in his own fight.
Foreman: Remember Larry..this is the Wild West. Just show them the money!
Lampley: Well we have been caught off guard. But at first glance this is an intriguing match up. It's not the first time the two have clashed. We well remember their most recent bout where Kissoon was pole-axed by a sucker punch that sent him to hospital with a compound fracture to his Ocean's 11 short story.
While the fighters get ready let's get viewers up to date on upcoming events here on HBO. As you may know Jerome 'Haberdasher' Khan has left for Canada with his trainer Robert Corbin following the bruising defeat at the hands of Clement "the Crushing Bore" Rohee. Reports are that the two are gearing up for a possible rematch in the spring depending on Rohee's FTAA WTO COTED UNCTAD commitments.
Foreman: Chalk that down for 2005. Mark my words.
Lampley: Meanwhile, it appears the long-awaited bout between reigning champion Bharrat 'the Bomber' Jagdeo and Moses 'Out of the Wilderness' Nagamootoo might really be on. A tentative date has been set for Wednesday December 24.
Foreman: That division has been devoid of fights for the last five decades.
Merchant: Yes, George and even worse Jagdeo was anointed with the title in a highly controversial manoeuvre that saw Janet 'The Chicago Crusher' Jagan give up the belt to Sam 'Onest' Hinds who handed it over to Jagdeo. The whole world was shocked and Moses was clearly aggrieved that he did not get a shot.
Lampley: Yes and on that point how bad must you feel to go off and become a lawyer? Which division would he now be classified in?
Foreman: Middleweight is my expectation. After all he has all the weight round his middle.
Lampley: OK, Kissoon and Ogunseye are in the centre of the ring. It looks like the fight is on. The bell sounds for Round One in what is a truly bizarre spectacle.
Merchant: The Nutty Professor versus the Afrocen-tric vegetable vendor
Lampley: And Kissoon opens with a blistering salvo trying as usual to finish his opponent in a flurry of arguments. Ogunseye takes a couple of theoretical jabs but slips out of reach, responding with a couple of dialectic shots to the stomach. Kissoon pursues him, catching him with a glancing sentence to the head, then a solid paragraph to the chest. Ogunseye felt that...he backs up against the ropes and reaches for Dr Gibson's booklet...
Foreman: Watch out, the fireworks are going to start early...
Lampley: But Kissoon is hitting back hard with a heavy volume taken from the UG social sciences library. That rocked Ogunseye, he's up against the ropes as the round winds down.
Merchant: He's playing political possum...
Foreman: No, Larry watch his pen it's trembling in his glove...He's hurt
Lampley: Round one ends and it appears Tacuma's ploy to promote and fight in his own bout is backfiring. Let's check in with our very own Harold Letterman
Harold Letterman: Without a doubt Round One goes to Kissoon. He's quicker with his jabs, he's scoring clean points with strong syntax and effective verb control. I hate to say it but Tacuma is looking theoretically sloppy. He's not the fighter he used to be under the WPA.
Merchant: What I see tonight is Kissoon anticipating Ogunseye's contentions and patiently setting forth his argument and scoring steady points.
Lampley: It's interesting that Harold should bring up the WPA. Those were very different times. The opponent was clear and those long bomb tactics worked well. But politics has moved on. It is a far more subtle world and I am not sure Ogunseye has moved with it. It's not about fighting in the streets. Now the bouts are won on the letters page.
Foreman: I couldn't agree more but as an old warrior I miss those days.
Lampley: Round Two begins and Ogunseye comes out and catches Kissoon early. They trade punches over the sugar industry. Kissoon weathers an uppercut over his claims Clive Thomas supported a political party other than the WPA in the last election. He moves to the left...
Foreman: As if he could get more socialist than he already is...
Lampley Thanks for that, George. Now the jabs about Ogunseye and the Buxton conspiracy begin to flow. Kissoon's got him leaning against the ropes and covering himself with Gibson's booklet. He won't let go of it...
Merchant: It is a fig leaf for his own extreme views on violence as a political tool.
Foreman: No Larry, it's nothing but rhetorical rope a dope. Ogunseye has not been through all those elections playing the fool. Kissoon had better be careful
Lampley: He is really stepping up the pace here as the round comes to an end.
Lampley: I would really like to pick up on this theme of Ogunseye being out of step of the times. What are your thoughts Larry?
Merchant: Well Ogunseye is Ogunseye; flamboyant deliberately outrageous. Remember what he said in the Channel Nine bout, "that "extra-judicial killings and intimidating and punishing African communities (were) part of the PPP's political agenda."
Foreman: Maybe he's Dr Gibson in drag
Lampley: He is very one dimensional with this police killings argument.
Merchant: I think in his younger days he had more issues in his arsenal but the Afrocentric/Black Power movement has been increasingly marginalised mostly by its own verbosity and young people wanting to go to New York instead of Bujumbura.
Lampley: Ok, Round Three begins and out they come. Kissoon with a small cut over his left eye caused by his slipping on a piece of salara in the ring... Ogunseye is still sluggish and Kissoon takes the fight to him. A vicious hook to Ogunseye's ribs, and Ogunseye is hurt. He has dropped to one knee. The referee is over him counting ten, nine, eight... He's up and Kissoon is chasing after him but Ogunseye is running flat out faster than a bandit in the Buxton backdam. They are running in circles around the ring.
Foreman: This is making me dizzy.
Merchant: It's more like Wiley Coyote and the Road Runner
Lampley: But Freddie is suddenly looking very tired...he seems to have run out of arguments.. and here comes Ogunseye, landing blow after blow ..Kissoon is in trouble. Here come those heavy-handed descriptions he and Joey Jagan used in a letter against Freddie earlier this year. Let's listen in: "scatterbrained, uneducated, a dogmatic Marxist, anti-free speech, incoherent, an armchair politician, jealous, mixed-up, politically irrelevant, ignorant, downright ludicrous, subjective, unable to self-criticise, a victim of historical process,"
Lampley: Freddie's eyes are rolling around in his head. He's looking for the keys to his CRV, and Ogunseye won't give up: "a venomous, unstable, a know-it-all, delusional, a circus owner, mentally diseased" and the knockout blow.... "a self destructing CIA Predator Drone."
Lampley: It's all over. Kissoon is out flat on his back..Ogunseye wins ...AK-47s are going off in the casino. It sounds like a Palestinian funeral procession. The doctor is in the ring asking Kissoon how many fingers he has up. Kissoon is asking him if he pays taxes. The doctor is satisfied Kissoon is alright. What a sensational outcome.
Your thoughts George Foreman
Foreman: Don't ever underestimate the Kitty market vendor whatever he's selling, I want some of that!
Merchant: One word. Supercalafragalisticexpealidocious
Lampley: And with that we leave you on a sensational night at Mandalay Bay. Remember to tune in on December 24 for what promises to be a super match up. Until then, Goodnight.
All persons and things blamed for the Lombard St fire debacle
The wheels on the truck that go round and round
The fire chief
The fire equipment
The PNCR for running down the fire service
Guyana Water Inc
South Road canal for not having enough water
All pitch pine trees
The business owners for storing flammable items
The north eastern breeze
The sky for not raining
Mini editorial of the week
Joey Jagan: the best argument against nepotism