A right proper balls up Wednesday Ramblings
Stabroek News
July 2, 2003

Related Links: Articles on humor
Letters Menu Archival Menu

WR’s overburdened letter department has, like other highly esteemed media outfits, been deluged by correspondence on the cancellation of the Wilton Park conference on Guyana:

Dear Editor,

I am deeply, deeply disappointed by the cancellation of the Wilton Park conference. I had already prepared a Power Point presentation that would have set out in great detail a national strategy for a way forward in the development processes needed to facilitate the kind of progressional impetus Guyana so, so, so desperately needs. It is only the limitations of the print press that stop me from making my presentation on these hallowed pages.

The cancellation has also completely ballsed up my summer holidays as I had hoped to take advantage of my free ticket courtesy of her Majesty’s government to conduct a grand tour of the Lake District. This will be the first summer in twenty years that I have no conference lined up so as to get a free ticket. What is the world coming to? There is no way I can fork over $1300 for a damn plane ticket to the UK. My reputation has now been severely impaired as many of my colleagues thought I had the wherewithal to embark on these expensive European jaunts. I wonder if I could hold a telethon and raise the money? Other than that I will have to go into hibernation until September.

Damn the PPP/C and God Save the Queen.

The English get poor

Dear Editor

I am not an educated man but it appears obvious that the PPP was right to protest about the conference in the UK. Whoever heard of having a conference in a park? Are the English so poor that they could not afford a building for the conference? They should never have pulled out of Guyana with all its mineral resources. So where were the delegates expected to hold the sessions? Under an old oak tree while sitting on blankets? It sounds nice but you know England, it can be chilly at any time of the year. As soon as the sun goes behind the clouds you have to put on your woolies. I have a sister who went to live in Croydon in 1962. She has never written me since, the old bag. Her name is Cynthia. If anyone sees her while over there please give her a good kick in the backside from her loving brother.

Good for you!

Dear Editor

One in the eye for those Brits, that’s what I say! Don’t they ever stop trying to meddle in the great socialist experiment that is Guyana? So what if they give us tons of aid, it all goes to their own consultants and the local drivers who chauffeur them around. Don’t you know such a conference when staged in Guyana could increase our GDP by 1.5% just from the catering?

The battle of Wilton Park

Dear Editor

I am deeply disappointed by the cancellation of the conference as it would have been a grand opportunity for the two sides to come together in a place rich with extraordinary history. Few people know that Wilton was the scene of one of the most fascinating battles of the English Civil War. I am sure that the thought of all those dead Roundheads and Cavaliers underneath them would have spurred the two sides to some resolution. And if the editor would indulge me I would like to give a brief history of the battle...

Editor’s note

Sorry, contrary to what the writer claims, the rest of his letter is a crashing bore.

Keep it in the family

Dear Editor

I am for one glad the PPP and PNCR won’t be going to any conference in the UK. You know it would have turned into a big slanging match. Someone would have thrown some flour in the conference room and then the PNCR would have held a protest around the park. Later, the building would have gone up in flames or been invaded by the rabble. Could you imagine the embarrassment? The headlines in The Sun? “Commy Pinkos trash Wilton Park.” Or “Corbie rips Luncho’s Pants!”

Let’s keep our rows to ourselves, that’s what I say.

Guyanese goings on in London

By John Mare

Great news for Guyana’s son of the soil Alistair Campbell who seems to have come out on top in the tussle with the Beeb over the dodgy document. Ah yes, before Rick Lowe writes to question Alistair’s heritage, let me explain. Campbell’s great great grandfather’s cousin’s friend’s brother once bought a ticket on a steamer bound for British Guiana. He had to give it up when his father died suddenly leaving him with a herd of 200 sheep to care for. Anyway we can certainly be proud that the spinmeister extraordinaire has done his native land proud.

As for our beloved Robin Cook his star is sadly waning. Relegated to the backbenches he spends his time whining about Iraq. He is of course what I like to call an adopted son of Guyana and as you well may know during his visit here..sorry there..he mentioned what a wonderful place it was and vowed to return.

As for my good mate PM Tony, it was a difficult week what with the bother over the ‘sexed up’ document (trust the Brits to be repressed about the real thing but saucy with the lingo!). But listen I can confirm he does know about us .. that is you down there and me, here.. Just the other day he said our name when he slipped into his working class accent. Someone was asking him about David Beckham and Tony said “He’s a great guy an a wonderful father..”

You see we, I mean you down there and me up here, are not forgotten and I am not just making these tenuous connections to get my name in the paper. I am here on my own, fighting hard for this country... that’s Guyana not the UK.

Sharma/English dictionary

Brains camera (n) - Cat Scan Example: “What wrong with the child? She needs to get a brains camera”

Crap (n) - any agricultural crop. Example: “Here we are, in a field of farmers’ crap.”


As part of WR’s commitment to the democratic process, we want to make jokers out of everyone and so this week we begin a new competition where we will be giving away a million bucks and a brand new Toyota Ceres...

Well, not exactly but at least Dinner for Two chez Le Pegasus...OK not even that... How about just getting your name in the newspaper which is enough reward for most letter writers.

Write an amusing caption for the photo below and send it by post, little boy or carrier pigeon to Wednesday Ramblings c/o Stabroek News 47/48 Robb St, Lacytown, Georgetown.

The deadline is by midnight on Monday June 7 or whenever enough people write something funny.

The captions will be admitted by an Acceptance Committee before going on to a Primary Deliberative Commission which will pass the finalists to the Special Select Committee (SSC). The members for the SSC will be identified after consultations with the Appointive Committee, which must forward the names to the President and Leader of the Opposition who will put them in a big bag and pull them out whilst blindfolded.

Question of the week

Is there an inverse relationship between murders and traffic fatalities?