‘Good night you are on to Ministers’ Telethon...’
Wednesday Ramblings..
Stabroek News
June 25, 2003

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“Goodnight and welcome to a special telethon dedicated to raising money for afflicted ministers of government. The phone lines are open and we are willing to accept any amount of money so that these ministers can get the overseas treatment they desperately need...

“Hello welcome to Ministers’ Telethon, who would you like to make a pledge for?

“ I would like to donate $1000 to Minister Ramsammy..

“And what would that be for?”

Because he got a problem with his mouth, he talking out of both sides. One day he resigning, next day he says he not. He needs one side of his lips sown up so we can get a straight answer.”

“Thank you so much...next caller, Goodnight to Minster’s telethon”.

Good night I want to give $500 for Prime Minister Sam Hinds..

“Thank you and what is this for?”

“He needs surgery for his foot..”

“I did not know he had a problem with his foot.”

Yes, he always putting his foot in it..Look at Beal, GPL, telecommunications reform and the Berbice bridge..”

“OK, thank you, next caller..

“I want to donate an airline ticket to Mayor Hamilton Green”

“Wow that is very generous! But he hardly needs a ticket, he is always flying off to conferences..”

“It’s a one way ticket.”

“Oh I see, Thank you, next caller”

“I want to donate $5000 for Minister Rohee for his shoulder...”

“For his shoulder? How come? We did not know he had a problem..

“Yes, to remove the chip off it...”

“Thank you, next caller..”

“I would like to give some money for Mayor Green.”

“Oh my, more pledges for Mayor Green! He certainly is popular.”

“Well he needs money to help with his selective amnesia from when he was Prime Minister.”

Thank you, that’s a good one ...Good night welcome to Ministers Telethon..”

“I want to give $3000 for Minister Teixeira to buy a watch because she’s always late.”

Thank you! Wow! Aren’t the people so kind to our ministers! Goodnight you’re on to Ministers Telethon.”

“Yes, I would like to give $5000 to Minister Xavier to get help with his piles..”

“I did not know he had a problem with piles..”

“You don’t see the Charity wharf sink and the Mandela bridge? He’s got a major problem with piles...

“Thank you..”

“OK I want to donate $4000 for Minister Gajraj to help him get dick..”

“Hold on, We don’t like the sound of that..”

“Troy Dick...”

“Good night, this is Minister Rohee. I am going to sue you all.”

“Why? because of the chip on your shoulder, we are sorry..

“No, this column had me below Ramsammy and I have been in the cabinet much longer than him. Haven’t you heard of seniority?”

The crime countdown
Freddie Kissoon’s semi-fictional account of the last 15 months of violence looks like it will last just as long. But not to be outdone, WR’s award winning investigative unit has compiled its own report on the crime wave also based on actual film names. Here is just a snippet of what will be a long running article soon to be commissioned by the desperate Guyana Chronic:

“There was no such thing as Ocean Eleven. This we are now sure of. Instead when the escapees entered Buxton they hooked up with former brothers in crime to establish the “Ju-ichinin no samurai...aka Eleven Samurai.” And at a crucial meeting in mid March under a mango tree with aspirations of becoming a leader of the PNCR, a notorious TV journalist who we are told has a third nipple read the “Eleven Samurai” his version of the “Ten Commandments” and spent the next “Nine and a Half Weeks”, indoctrinating the gang in political ideology and survival techniques which included watching over and over the film “Nine lives of Fritz the Cat” and taking courses in “The 39 Steps” of banditry.

This culminated in the first stage of a campaign of terror which has come to be known as the “Eight Crazy Nights”, including a raid on a Campbellville geisha house and the kidnapping of “Eight Japanese Dancing Girls”. They turned out to be “Eight and a Half Women” because one of them was only three feet tall.

But by this time the police had knocked off four of the criminals following a dawn raid and those left were being called the “Seven Angry Men”. Their mothers desperately wanted them to settle down and in what was planned to be Buxton’s biggest ever wedding looked high and low for “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”.

But the criminals were cowboys at heart whose only mission was destabilisation of the body politic, and any way they were afraid of the “Seven Year Itch” even more than being “Six Feet Under”.

Sadly another bandit was gunned down and the remaining gang was being called the “Six Kung Fu Heroes” although they were pretty short so others dubbed them the “Six Napoleons”. The ring leader was by now so rich he was called the “Six Million Dollar Man”. The others, wanting to remain anonymous, just called themselves “Five Guys named Moe”.

Meanwhile by the summer of 2002, Minister Gajraj was feeling the heat and sadly had to cancel his holiday of a lifetime, “Five Weeks in a Balloon”.

The gang briefly thought of heading with their “Four Guns to the Border”.

But they continued on their crime trajectory with a brazen raid on New Non-thriving restaurant scaring the daylights out of “Four Hong Kong Sisters”. As they left, their superstition got the better of them so they threw “Three Coins in a Fountain”.

This did not help and later in front of a home of a senior PNCR official, whose stepdaughter once worked as an undercover cleaning lady in the Elections Commission computer room, one of the gang was shot by their leader when he failed to obey “Trois Approches de Commandement”.

The remaining members took refuge in a house in Kitty run by a schizophrenic landlady known in the neighbourhood as the “Three Faces of Eve”. She would often go out at strange hours leaving the “Three men and a baby”. The lull in crime in December could be explained by the landlady’s sudden departure on a “Dong fang yi zuo liang jia chun aka Honeymoon for Two”.

Unbeknownst to the gang the last days of the crime wave were upon them and when they returned to the East Coast the leader was killed when in an ambush the police prepared missiles and “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest” killing him instantly.

The remaining bandit had nowhere to turn and could be heard walking the streets whistling “One Is a Lonely Number”. He was hounded by the army across the cane fields which were so muddy he lost a brand name sneaker and became known briefly as the “Man with One Red Shoe” until his death. “It Happened One Night”.

Question of the Week
Minister Westford jets off at short notice to see a boxing match in Italy and cancer victim, Selene Ramnarine has to beg taxpayers for her lifesaving treatment?

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