The importance of being Clement Rohee

The importance of being Clement Rohee
Wednesday Ramblings..
Stabroek News
June 11, 2003

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This week as a service to our readers (and because the editor of this newspaper refuses to do so), the Wednesday Ramblings ethics department believes it has a duty to bring you the complete, unedited script of Minister Rohee’s address to the 15th meeting of COTED.

Only kidding....

We are in fact going to discuss a far more important subject - the weather and the curious habits of the Guyanese population during the rainy season. The first reaction of many to rain is a manic hunt through their wardrobe for the coat their uncle bequeathed to them when he came on a visit from the US last summer. (He went back with his furry Kangol.) This usually is a very bright colour which causes drivers to crash into lampposts so fascinated are they by its appearance. You of course are glad it is raining because you have a chance to show off this purple jacket to your co-workers. And no matter that the moment you arrive at work the sun comes out in its full strength. You are not going to take off that jacket even though your body temperature is around 103 degrees and perspiration is filling up your ...boots. Yes those big clunky boots that weigh about 20 lbs each and suggest you are preparing to become the first Guyanese to climb Mount Everest when all you have to do is cross a puddle on Camp St.

Meanwhile the species housewifius dormantiis is fast asleep. At the first noise of raindrops on the zinc roof her eyes start getting heavy and she crawls back into bed not to properly awaken until mid-July. This strange pattern of hibernation causes havoc in the home. Her excuse that there is no point doing the laundry because the clothes are only going to stay wet has husbands going to work in week-old briefs. Working wives on the other hand are known to phone home as soon as they hear rain falling to tell their ‘sis’ to rush and bring in the clothes. Sis replies that it is too late and goes back to sleep.

With the housewifius dormantiis all other activities including cooking and cleaning are also put on hiatus except for watching Indian movies and sobbing when the heroine gets knocked down by one of those old Indian cars whose tyres screech even on sand. (How do they do that? or when the men are fighting their punches sound more like a sadist’s whip lash.)

Back at work, the rainy season brings productivity to an all time low as people think they should also be home sleeping. Female workers normally wear about five cardigans and go about shivering, cupping their hands around mugs of tea as if they had been parachuted into the Antarctic. On the street there are always a few deranged people walking around with plastic bags on their heads honestly believing this will provide cover. Some men come out with umbrellas the size of large satellite dishes and use these to pick up helpless girls late for their jobs. Five years later they are man and wife and fight over who takes the sole umbrella in the house. “Give it to me! I just had my hair done!”

The puddles get larger and larger until streets overflow and drivers are required to wear life jackets. At this point Mayor Green makes his traditional Blame the Citizens speech and delivers the incredible news that Georgetown is actually below sea level which makes everyone feel so much better.

Law and order acting up
A conference at the Hotel Tower yesterday looked at the problems faced by the police and judiciary. Acting Chief Magistrate Juliet Holder Allen said she had written a letter to Acting Police Commissioner Floyd McDonald, copied to designate Police Commissioner Winston Felix, discussing overcrowding and echoing the concerns of Acting Senior Magistrate Melissa Robertson.

Acting Foreign Minister, Minister of Sport, Youth and Culture Gail Teixeira announced that she had commented on the issue with often Acting President, Prime Minster Sam Hinds and had also spoken with recent Acting Prime Minister, Minister of Labour, Dr Dale Bisnauth who had brought up the subject with Acting UN Resident Representative, Thomas Gass.

Letter to editor
Dear Editor,

So you think you give me adequate coverage, eh? I dare you to publish this chart I spent most of those COTED meetings researching, comparing column inches devoted to me and to Minister of Foreign Affairs, Rudy “Your Favourite” Insanally.

Yours

A very, very angry

Clement Rohee

Jumping high for Christian Conservatives
“Twenty percent of the 15-billion-dollar budget is earmarked for AIDS prevention measures. One third of that 20 percent will go to programmes promoting sexual abstinence. This is seen as a way to accommodate President Bush’s right-wing Christian power base.” Article on US$15B AIDS programme for Africa and Caribbean June 3.

“They had also tempered praise for a recent US pledge of $15bn (Ł9bn) to fight HIV and AIDS in poor countries with criticism that too much was tied to campaigns promoting sexual abstinence - in deference to Christian lobbyists who oppose the use of condoms”. Guardian, May 29.

“And while the Ministry’s HIV/AIDS awareness campaign started with a focus on using condoms, he told GINA, “this is where we’re correcting our approach.” Health Minister Dr Ramsammy, June 5, 2003.

Death
The death is announced of John Mortimer also known as Mortie, Johnny, Johnny Boy, Mortie the Man, Big John, Big Mort, Johnno, Morto and Johnny Appleseed.. who died not so peacefully, in fact he was in a helluva lot of pain, at the Georgetown Public Mortuary...sorry... Hospital.

Husband of Jennifer Mortimer also known as Jen, Jenny, Jenno, Nif, Niffer and behind her back The Big Sniffer.

Father of John Junior, John John, James, Jamie and Samantha also known as Sam, Sammy and Sam the Man.

The brother of Robert Mortimer also known as Robber, Rob Roy or Robin Hood Flour, formerly a clerk of GNCB, promoted to supervisor in 1985, suspended briefly over a cheque fraud scam, reinstated after an appeal by the union, laid off after the $2bn takeover by NBIC. Now rearing chickens for Didco....

The funeral service for the late John Mortimer also known as ...ok let’s skip that part... will be announced later...”

“...And now for the messages... this is for Wilson Munroe, somewhere in the interior.

Travel as soon as possible, repeat travel as soon as possible... When you left home last week you locked your mother in the bathroom and she can’t get out...”

Question of the week
Is this right? The Court of Appeal recently moved to dismiss the motion looking to dismiss the appeal appealing against the dismissal of the petition appealing the results of the 2001 election?