Are you addicted to the War in Iraq? Wednesday Ramblings.. International Edition
Stabroek News
April 2, 2003

Related Links: Articles on humor
Letters Menu Archival Menu

Take this simple test:
1. Name three towns on the way to Baghdad
2. What is Saddam Hussein’s tribal home?
3. Have you had nightmares about Donald Rumsfeld?
4. Do you wake up early to find out the latest developments?
5. Have you taken an interactive tour of a F16 cockpit?
6. Do the words “Breaking News” make your heart race?
7. Spell correctly the Arabic name for the elite Republican guards

If you have answered yes to three or more of these questions then you are a Certified Iraq War Addict and could be eligible for a groundbreaking treatment developed by a Guyanese company called GPL. Technicians have toiled for hours to invent a blackout regimen that if taken once a day guarantees you will be cut off from any electronic media for at least four and up to 12 hours. This treatment really works. Hear this testimonial from one satisfied customer living in Campbellville:

“I was at home watching the war on TV and wearing out the button on my remote as I flicked from CNN and BBC. It was driving my family crazy. My wife was calling herself a war widow, my kids were crying because I was not playing with them. The whole family was miserable including me. I had bags under my eyes from staying up nights in the hope I would get some more news about a downed Apache helicopter and see for the tenth time the Iraqi Information Minister calling Bush stupid.

And then on Day 8 at 0200 hours local time (0900 hours in Nasariyah) it dawned on me that this war, going on thousands of miles away, had nothing to do with my life and I had to get back to the real world. The next morning I woke up on the GPL schedule and felt like a new man. My kids were smiling, my wife cooked me a delicious breakfast. I felt great! Thanks GPL, I believe in you and everyone out there should too!”

Need we say more? This GPL schedule is available to everyone for the foreseeable future.
GPL - blacking out Guyana one community at a time.

Water Woes? Try this!
Having problems getting regular supplies of water for your home? Do you turn on the tap and all you hear is a gurgle? That’s the water company laughing at you...
Go to work without bathing?
Find yourself alone in the minibus?
Laundry piling up?
Have you actually prayed for rain?
Well stop praying and start bathing with your very own ultra modern desalination plant complete with multi-stage flash (MSF), multi-effect distillation (MED) and reverse osmosis (RO).
With a capacity of 535,000 cubic metres per day, that’s enough to bathe the kids, water the garden, wash the car and still have some left over for the neighbours. And it can fit in your backyard!
Call now for this special offer of US$154m paid in three separate payments. Call in the next hour and we will give you your very own paper shredder so you can shred all those water bills away!

‘You go girl!’

The Incredible Commuter Tank
Attention Berbice housewives! Afraid of having to travel to Georgetown along the East Coast? Can’t go shopping because of the violence? Have bandits tried to hijack your car? Ever been shot at by police?
Then you need the Commuter Tank. Strong enough to resist any attack and fitted with a high calibre machine gun, night vision goggles, it is the ultimate vehicle for these dangerous times. And easy parking in tight spots. Just push any car out of the way. Go shopping in the commuter tank with a smile.

Exam Certificates Inc
You want the best for your kids, don’t you? Are you worried about the effects of the teachers’ strike on their education, their exam results? Their future and your comfortable retirement depends on how well they do. How much are you willing to sacrifice?
A lot, and that is why we are offering certified exam results in any CXC and SSEE, CAPE subject. If you are serious, then go to the corner of Charlotte and Wellington Sts where you will see a man in a red tie and black pants carrying a copy of Stabroek News. Say to him these exact words. “Your shirt is crumpled.” He will say. “I know, my wife left me this morning.”
Secure your children’s future happiness with Exam Certificates Inc.

Guyana and Iraq ..common ground
Troops patrolling highway to the capital
Armed militia using women and children as human shields
Gunmen hiding out in houses of sympathetic villagers
Several civilian casualties caught in crossfire
Water supplies are limited
Electricity being rationed
Hostile neighbouring countries
Phone system compromised
All the schools closed
People staying in their homes at night
Protests in the streets
Leaders have tenuous hold on power
Daily press conferences as part of propaganda war

Weekend for Two in Buxton
Finally we are offering a prize of a weekend for two at a charming cottage in South Buxton to anyone who can translate this sentence into simple English
From a brochure for the Basic Education Access Management Support Programme (Beams for short)
“Phase 1... will facilitate policy development and the implementation of strategic initiatives in capacity building and institutional accountability.”

Site Meter