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Robbery in Hadfield st
...Police arrived at the scene of the robbery in a pink cadillac circa 1963... Eyewitness say Officer Jones, 2345, was wearing the most exquisite gold lame dress with a cold shoulder which ended just above his knobbly knees. They sealed off the scene with tinselly Xmas decorations while the forensic officer clad in green hotpants, yellow boob tube and silver platforms tried to take fingerprints despite his 4-inch talon nails...
Bandits elude police
Gunmen who robbed a jewellery store on Camp st last night were able to escape after police disguised as Hans Blix and wearing sensible Scandinavian shoes gave chase in a Morris Minor...
bandits shoot police
Police disguised as bandits were in a shootout with bandits disguised as police last night at the corner of Croal st and Avenue of the Republic. One bandit was shot in the foot... while a policeman was shot by a policeman who thought he was a bandit disguised as a policeman disguised as a bandit... They were rushed to the Georgetown Public Hospital where they were tended to by a doctor dressed up as a nurse...
Always look on the bright side
"Power rationing set for today..." SN March 7
GPL continues to bring positive effects to the Guyanese society. After all it was the power company which helped to bring the PNCR back to Parliament. Meanwhile WR has obtained an internal memo showing how senior managers were planning on making the eight-hour blackout schedule appear good for consumers:
"To the public relations department:
Here are some ideas on how we can spin this blackout schedule to our advantage:
1. Scheduled outages will encourage families to visit relatives in unaffected areas. Message "GPL brings families closer."
2. With refrigerators out of use consumers will be forced to buy fresh meat and greens. Message: "GPL cares about healthy eating."
3. No televisions mean students will have to hit the books. Message: "GPL believes in education - even if you go partially blind."
4. Kero lamps will be using a lot of fuel. Message: "GPL supports neighbourhood stores."
5. Blackouts make it too dark for the bandits to shoot. Message: "GPL does its part to fight crime."
6. With no power in the evenings, couples will be going to bed earlier: Message: "GPL - helping to repopulate the nation one blackout at a time."
Scene: yesterday's Cabinet meeting
Prime Minister Hinds: "Comrades! I think we can all agree on this press statement that "the cabinet expresses concern for the current situation at GPL and is working along with the investor to resolve the issues between us. We are confident that we can put in place a system which provides cheap and reliable power for all Guyanese."
President Jagdeo: "Good work Comrade Sam, I agree the prospects are not as gloomy as the opposition is suggesting. Now what else is on the agenda... the teachers' strike... Douglas' killing... political impasse... OK, let's all look at the water rationing report from Comrade Baksh... Roger, pass the kero lamp. Everyone else get out their flash lights..."
Middle class crimes
"Do you think those country women... have any time for those 'middle-class poseurs" in Wave?"- Sham Gosine, SN March 10
Family jailed for crimes against the proletariat
Another family was hauled before the court yesterday on charges of being middle class. The magistrate took a dim view of their neat and healthy appearance. The family pleaded guilty to the minor offence of owning an exercise bicycle. "Is it true you were seen driving a 4 by 4?"
"Yes your honour, but it was reconditioned... "
"Hmm... were your parents weeeeeelllthy?" he asked.
"No, your honour, not at all. My father was a rice farmer and my mother sold fish on the Corentyne."
"Ha! So how did you make all that money? You must be guilty of some underhand business... Guilty of being middle class AND nouveau riche. Three months hard labour! Next case... Yes Mr Smith... Is it true you were seen drinking a bottle of French wine at the Tower Hotel?"
"No sir... it was a delightful Chilean sauvignon blanc." Mr Smith replied inadvisably.
"Need I remind you that wine can only be used as a verb? Guilty of not supporting the local rum industry and being a wine snob! Five months hard labour at Banks DIH!"
"Next... Yes madame, it is reported that you were seen locking your doors while driving through a marginalised neighbourhood while wearing Italian shoes and that you gave a street urchin $100. True or false?"
"True my lord..."
"You bleeding heart liberals. Next thing you'll be forming some women's group showing how much you care... Next..."