National Crime Warp Uncovered!
New Year's Ramblings
Stabroek News
January 1, 2003

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It is with much vigilance that we must this week reveal to the country the wayward predictions of National Crime Warp whose modus operandi is to say almost everything will happen in the hope that one of its guesses will come true.

1. Take for example the week of December 20-21. Prediction #3: "Three inmates at Mazaruni prisons are planning a breakout on Xmas day". They may well have been planning along with many other inmates to escape but nothing came of it. Wrong.

2. Crime warp predicted that the Georgetown prisons would be stormed by an eleven-man gang with tear gas and concussion grenades on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day between the hours of 5 am to 11 am and 3 pm to 6.30 pm as part of a plan to free five high profile inmates." A former talk show host should be kept under constant surveillance." Wrong! no attack occurred.

3. "Indications point to a popular furniture store in Georgetown being attacked and robbed on Christmas Eve". Wrong again.

4. "Criminals will step up their criminal (really?) activities on vehicles between Mahaica and Lusignan.", Vague and reports actually indicate fewer attacks over Christmas period.

5. "Businesses on Regent St ....have been targeted for attack between now and Christmas Eve by criminals using heavy weaponry." Only attacking was done by consumers and their shopping bags. Wrong.

6. "Traffic cops are urged to be on high alert. There is a deportee from America who is part of a high profile gang. This guy hates traffic cops since living in Brookyln." What has living in Brooklyn got to do with hating traffic cops? No traffic cops were killed from date of issue to now. Wrong.

7. "From intelligence reports criminal gangs for the remainder of the year will concentrate their activities on West Demerara, East Berbice, Georgetown, East Coast and West Berbice.

Strikes will be random. "Well that really narrows it down. Why not stick in the Rupununi just in case? A laughably vague and unimpressive catchall.

8. "Between now to Christmas attempts will be made to kidnap certain prominent citizens or their kids. Wrong. No attempted or actual kidnappings reported from December 21 to now.

9. A jeweller in Stabroek Market who was once robbed should be on high alert." This is just a recycled fiction for the previous week's crime warp which confidently predicted the bandits would come by boat on the Demerara river. Hence the need to add that the column had blown the gunmen's cover. This technique was also used in December 13-14 edition which helpfully advised that "Businesses in the categories mentioned last week, as being targetted for robbery last week should remain on high alert."

10. So too on December 20-21 Crime Warp writes "Commercial banks and other businesses mentioned in a previous report should be on high alert. Security services should remain on high alert." Really? Security Services on high alert? What a surprise.

11. WR's bold prediction for 2003: Crime Warp will continue to employ at best rumours and mostly its own wild imagination as part of what can only be described as grossly irresponsible journalism to titillate the gullible public.

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