Crime Warp
Wednesday Ramblings
Stabroek News
November 20, 2002

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Here we have another week of WR's very own Crime Warp - your place to read predictions on crimes that are yet to happen.

Citizens are advised to be ever vigilant!

1.Bandits will attack a rum shop in Demerara Berbice using a new cache of weapons to replace those lost in the October 28 Lamaha Gardens raid. This will include a laser guided shoulder fired JAP-21 missile brought in by transatlantic rower Stoff Hein. The four gunmen - one with a prosthetic leg - will commandeer a minibus which has painted on its back windscreen "The Girls Dem Sugar" and is known by police to carry passengers around the country.

2. A notable talk show host will lose his false teeth on air during a lengthy discussion with a caller sounding like a former amateur boxer recently involved in a shoot-out with police at the corner of Lamaha Gardens and Main St. A lawyer now starring in a high profile trial will also spill a glass of water in the host's lap.

(Readers should take note that our prediction last week that a taxi - number plate beginning HA - would be taken by armed men and found abandoned in Buxton, came true. What more proof do you need of our accuracy?)

3.A known drug dealer who bears a scar on his left cheek, once operated out of Bourda market and killed last year in a deal gone bad is being targeted by a top drug lord. He needs to be ever vigilant.

4. Don't park on the southern side of Regent St between Camp and Alexandria on Saturday. Crime Warp predicts that a delivery will be made to a popular variety store and a boy wheeling a trolley will be distracted by a scantily dressed young girl and end up scraping your right side front door requiring $2500 in repairs.

4. A well known letter writer who sports a handle bar moustache and speaks with a Slavic accent will write a letter sometime between 3.30 pm and 4.15 pm Monday afternoon. His e-mail will get lost in cyberspace and he will make an irate phone call to this newspaper shouting "Death to all beauty pageant contestants."

5. A motorcyclist will be killed when he runs into a bison on Homestretch Avenue. What police will fail to discover is that

Roberto had secretly driven the beast in to the roadway to discredit a former first lady.

6. Don't eat the chowmein being served in a popular Chinese restaurant with the lighted sign in Central Georgetown.

The chef was last week seen exiting the toilet without washing his hands and reports reaching Crime Warp suggest his accomplice who looks like a young Jackie Chan regularly picks up chicken that falls on the beige tiled floor. The fish for many of the dishes are grown in a disused swimming pool in a secret location on the Soesdyke Highway (two miles from the Silver Hill road - turn left at the old mango tree, stop at the dead dog).

This camp was once owned by a former PNC minister who now drives a yellow cab in New York. 7.Police on Tuesday will discover copies of this Crime Warp wrapped around a CV joint they have just purchased for one of their police cars which will run into an almond tree at Better Hope. A girl in the back seat will be seen running from the scene licking a rapidly melting ice cream cone and reading a St James Bible.

8. There will be a huge raid on a major department store located in central Georgetown. A number of people will be injured in the mayhem and many things taken away. But the owners will be happy to see their pre-Christmas sale has been successful.

The Nutty Professor

Spare a thought for Freddie Kissoon a man more bashed upon than bashing who was the subject of a whole page in Saturday's Stabroek letters. One wonders if Kissoon is secretly a masochist who deliberately pens provocations so he can be thoroughly abused in return. Having something derogatory written about you is disturbing but underneath there is a satisfaction in being a martyr for one's beliefs.

To summarise the two letters from Joey Jagan and Tacuma Ogunseye, Kissoon is the following; scatterbrained, uneducated, a dogmatic Marxist, anti-free speech, incoherent, an armchair politician, jealous, mixed-up, politically irrelevant, ignorant, a nutty professor, downright ludicrous, an opportunist, subjective, unable to self-criticise, a victim of historical process, a rank opportunist, venomous, unstable, a know-it-all, delusional, a circus owner, mentally diseased and the best of all a self destructing CIA Predator Drone.

Somehow Freddie does not seem like a hi-tech Drone. He's more like a hapless artillery man from the Crimean War blowing up his own men as much as the enemy. Drones don't go around asking Ravi Dev's two-year-old son in Fogarty's supermarket if his father is bringing him up 'multiracial'.

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