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Your survival guide
Let's face it, if you are going to stay here then you are going to have to find ways to survive over the next few months...years.... decades of crime The following are some precautions we can all take to reach old age and enjoy the ingratitude of our children.
1. Don't drink with politicians. In fact stay as far away from them as possible. Don't go to any beer gardens or rum shops anywhere in Kitty or in the rest of Georgetown or along the East Coast, East Bank, West Bank and Coast ..in Berbice also. Stay home and drink. Your children can bring you ice and when you are thoroughly sozzled the bandits can reach you there.
2. Don't walk, drive, cycle in desolate areas late at night or in crowded area during the morning and afternoon, early evening hours. Stay home, the bandits will reach you there.
3. Drive a white car. The bandits are now moving onto more exotic colours including gold and grey maroon. Important don't wash your car. Instead go into Buxton backdam and drive through big muddy puddles. If not a number of gas stations are now offering mud washes. Better advice - stay home. The bandits can reach you there.
4. Surviving a hijacking. Get out of the car immediately when requested. Brush off the driver's seat and put the A/C on High. Clean the windscreen, check oil and then jump in the nearest trench. Go home the bandits will be waiting for you.
If none of the above work. 5. Emigrate. But don't drive to the airport. Tell no one you are leaving. Have your suitcases taken to Ogle on a dray cart between the hours of 7 to 7.30 am on Saturday morning. Follow shortly after on foot. Charter a plane to Timerhi. Don't look back.
Of Designer weapons, Coca Cola Light and lawyers
Why did Dr Luncheon refer to the weapons and body armour now on order from the U.K. as personalised?
Are we missing something here? Perhaps they are being created by some of the most famous fashion designers in the world. Word has it that there are: bulletproof vests complete with plunging necklines are by Bill Blast, very chi chi helmets by He's Long Gone and pistols in a subtle charcoal grey (it's the new black) by Calvin Nine mm.
Whatever happens the boys in cobalt blue are going to war in style. And as we all know dahlings... style is everything when fighting crime.
O.K. just what we need, more lawyers! Unfortunately this present batch of recruits looks like they will be taking verbosity to new heights.
As one said upon being admitted to the bar: "I essay not to bring any esoteric doctrines of pompous mouthing to the practice, but I do expect to get an opportunity to contribute to the enrichment of our jurisprudence through profound research and enlightened advocacy."
The new Coca Cola Light is a soft drink. Let's not be mistaken into thinking it can greatly improve your outlook on life or get you girls like Banks Milk Stout. This is despite the following claim included in the "bumf" to go with the launch:
Consumers (of Coca Cola Light) have a genuine sense of who they are and how they want to live and they know what they want out of their lives, making the most of themselves and their potential." Isn't it for fat chicks on diets?
And finally is it just this columnist or is anyone else slightly apprehensive at the idea of the police flying helicopters? This is a force which has reportedly run out of gasoline while in a car chase with bandits and even had one of its vehicles break down on Regent St shortly after a cambio was robbed.
The idea of them going airborne will now add another dangerous (and amusing) dimension to their operations and sad to say but every bandit will be now be taking pot shots skywards.
More good news headlines
Former beauty queen found abandoned in Bel Air Park
The police found a cream coloured beauty queen dimensions 34-30-38 aback of Bel Air Park yesterday afternoon. She was found lolling on her verandah, drinking rum punch and talking incoherently about her estranged husband.