The police are investigating... Wednesday Ramblings
Stabroek News
September 18, 2002

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Where have all the investigations gone? Long time passing... One truly wonders what is meant by the term “the police are investigating”, or “the ministry is conducting a thorough investigation.” One imagines detectives, sleeves rolled up, huddled around a smoky table pointing at large maps and rubbing their chins in deep thought. Or ranks knocking on doors asking housewives if they have seen a particular gentleman. Or the minister setting up a crack squad of personnel to get to the bottom of a mystery over missing funds. The word “investigation” should bring reassurance to every citizen. “Ah yes, our boys are on it !”

Should. But it doesn’t. In fact the word actually means the police intend to do absolutely nothing. The case is closed. Perhaps a file was started on the matter but now it languishes on the chaotic desk of a snoozing officer along with crumpled up carbon paper. (Is Guyana the only country left in the world still using carbon paper and stand up typewriters? This warrants a thorough investigation.) Investigation is simply a reflex word officials use to keep the press at bay for a few more weeks. And every day the investigations keep on piling up, to the point where they are now an environmental hazard. There was no discussion of this in Johannesburg but there should have been. In Guyana the Ministry of Home Affairs is overrun. The minister himself has investigations coming out of his Prado. Whenever he opens the door they spill onto the ground.

It’s embarrassing - the Thomas Carroll affair, various police shootings... In fact his secretary can’t open her filing cabinet, it is so infested. Every morning the poor minister has to wade through his office knee deep in documents to reach his desk covered up to his chin in papers. Of course nothing comes of these initiatives. For every hundred investigations started, only one is actually concluded and more importantly made public. While global warming may be making sea levels rise, Georgetown should worry more about being swamped in carbon paper and manila folders. Eventually they will choke up kokers, take up huge chunks of the landfill, lie around on the streets like road kill until the whole city drowns in a sea of paper. The EPA really needs to we go again.

Guest editorial

The post Seattle DOHA conference on WTO regulations has certainly affected CARICOM’s RNM negotiating position on the future shape of the FTAA as well as MERCOSUR’S approach to regional integration taking into account Post Lome EU moves and in keeping with the EBA initiative and its proposed EPA’s with the ACP’s LDC’s MDC’s and DVD’s. This will have significance for the USA CBTPA originally the CBA now known colloquially as “a little T&A” and will have an influence on the West African UEMOA ECOWAS and UR-ANAS affecting the South/ South cooperation and the sustainable development of globalized gobbledegook.

Loving criminals, evil philanthropists

It was no surprise that the wife of a recently shot bandit said her hubbie was good at the household chores and very loving. It is well known that all criminals are the sweetest little angels when at home and actually make model husbands. Not having an 8 to 4 job helps. She said the slain bandit was good at chores; presumably she meant jimmying sticky doors and sharpening kitchen knives. So being married to a criminal has its advantages girls.

The tearful eulogies at their funerals tend to gloss over the more awkward moments of their lives. The time they shot the prison guard ...(a slip of the hand ...apologies to the relatives.) Instead they are described as caring and generous, albeit with other people’s money, and great fathers: “Wait little one, Daddy has to go kill a policeman.” The mother in particular cannot accept that her little one turned out so bad, since it would reflect poorly on her parental skills. Although she might admit he was a bit of a wild child. Perhaps she did not beat him enough.

The flip side of this is that one must naturally assume that all those kind people you see in the newspaper donating powdered milk or feeding the poor are in fact evil and abusive monsters when at home and have to make up for their deplorable behaviour when they go out in public. Beware the smiling philanthropist.

The most heinous of crimes

This is a copy of a speech made by the Honourable Minister of Home Affairs at one of the crime consultations:

Ladies and gentlemen,

This has to stop! Enough is enough! A few lawless criminals are bringing this country to its knees. Their inconsiderate and ruthless behaviour, their deliberate flouting of the laws of the land, are going to end. The police force is ready to fight back with all at its disposal; new legislation is to be passed urgently through parliament. Yes, my comrades! The days of drivers not dipping their headlights to oncoming traffic are numbered.