"Where are all the smiling faces?"

"Where are all the smiling faces?" Wednesday Ramblings
Stabroek News
July 3, 2002

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The nation certainly owes an apology to Hema Persaud, a returning Guyanese who complained about her recent stay in her country of birth (S.N. June 28th). "Good grief... Georgetown stinks" she writes, probably wrinkling her nostrils in recollection, and asks with disgust "when did all these beggars and unkempt people arrive? Ugh!"

Of course she probably did not think that the residents of the city noticed the stench or the beggars and needed to be better informed. Oh yes that sharp acrid smell really does come from men urinating against any structure higher than their waist! How stupid of us not to notice!

Unfortunately if Mrs Persaud had notified the authorities of her intention to visit Guyana well in advance, plans would certainly have been put in place to make here stay more comfortable. As for the beggars, the City Council could have put cardboard boxes over them in any location Mrs Persaud planned to stroll. As for the lack of happy faces the government could certainly have arranged to hire actors to mill around this eminent visitor laughing and showing outward signs of contentment. In the meantime Guyanese really have to try harder to portray the traditional image of a carefree Caribbean people even when they are being shot at.

The whole city could have quite quickly been air conditioned so Mrs Persaud did not feel the effects of the "heavy and suffocating" air caused, by the way, from Guyana being so unfortunately located close to the equator. Then again surely the country could have been easily chipped away from South America and floated to a more comfortable location so that Mrs Persaud could have enjoyed here stay in a more temperate climate.

Wherever Mrs Persaud came from one hopes she stays there until Guyana is in a better position to accommodate her every need.

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The gentle art of Kidnapping

Now we know where all the money the bandits are garnering is going. Sweeties for children. They are just a bunch of softies at heart. The most recent kidnap victim who wishes to be anonymous but say she too is a dance teacher recalls her not so harrowing experience. " I was in the market buying callaloo for my mother when a bunch of men picked me up and put me in the back of their vehicle. I said my mother was waiting on the callaloo so they drove by her home and dropped it off. One of the bandits who was masked of course, even washed it for her. We then headed to an unknown destination. On the way they told me to keep my head down and even gave me some pillows to lie on. I complained my feet were hurting me and one of the men said he knew all about reflexology massage since he had read about it in prison. It felt so good. When we arrived at the house they threw rose petals in front of me as I walked into the living room, I felt like Miss Universe. It was so sweet I wanted to cry. I was hungry by then and they brought me dinner on a silver tray, filet mignon and bombe surprise for dessert. The next morning it was very hot and when they saw me perspiring they rushed out and came back with an air conditioner for the room. It took all four of them to lift it into place. There was a huge T.V. but it did not have cable so they called up DirecTV and a technician was soon found. We then all sat about watching cartoons. One of them gave me a pedicure. I felt very pampered the whole time but the next day they said I had to go home. I begged to stay but they said it was costing too much to look after me. So they dropped me off at my mom's who invited them in for a cup of tea. All in all it was a lovely three days. I went to Trinidad once and the hotel service was not half as good. I certainly recommend kidnapping to anyone."

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Marks discovers cold fission

Mr Lambert Marks appears to be suffering from a new form of civil servant Tourette's Syndrome given his latest outburst which has caused as much of a kafuffle as the last brouhaha. In passing and at the risk of sounding like Rovin Deodat the word brouhaha actually comes from the exclamation brou ha ha! used by characters representing the devil in 16th century dramas.

Well in Mr Marks' now customary weekly press conference he alluded to a number of enduring mysteries facing the nation. These include the strange sudden bursts of activity including repairs of roads whenever a visit from a head of state is imminent.

He also hinted that he had further proof that the world was round despite the misgivings of the Home Affairs Minister.

Marks also said that after experiments in his kitchen sink over the weekend he was now convinced he had discovered the process of cold fission and would release the findings to the scientific community at a later date. This was despite grave pressure from his wife on behalf of numerous unwashed dishes.

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Guyanese sayings translated into Luncheon speak

*The more intelligent fly, latin name diptera muscidae, has a tendency to be the one trapped in the posterior of the bovine species.

*Were one to continue the practice of extracting H2O from an underground aquifer by way of a simple bucket, there would be in the not too distant future the possibility that this would become depleted of its primary resource.

*Two alleged felons involved in a heated discussion over stolen merchandise causes a Supreme Being, notwithstanding a multitude of religions, considerable mirth.

*Were you to take a common household soap and proceed to lather up the digits, knuckles and palms of my hand approximately up to the wrist and then sluice these down with water and if I then decided to reciprocate this particular activity, it would be inevitable that both our anatomical extremities would be unsoiled.